27 10 / 2011
Guess who I got to play with tonight!?
Chuck Palahniuk!
He spoke at Pitt tonight, and I volunteered. I (wo)manned the will call booth, and while doing so another volunteer called me to the auditorium about half an hour before the doors opened. Standing by the stage was none other than a friendly Mr. Palahniuk. He introduced himself and told us he had a few surprises planned for the lecture tonight. He asked if we would be willing to help him out. He told us he spent his winter writing on inflatable brains, that he pulled out in boxes, and handed one to each of us to practice throwing them around the auditorium. He explained that midway through his talk he would call upon his demons or his harpies, and that will be our cue to come on stage. From there, he’d hand us some brains, which we are to run around with and throw at people. We said awesome, and went back to our volunteer duties. The doors open, and I migrate inside to usher in the VIPs. Then the lecture begins, so I take my seat. He reads an awesome short story about two fat people who fall in love but the girlfriend loses weight and moves on to someone with a job and health insurance, and the boyfriend ends up dating a mentally retarded but sexy woman who he believes isn’t mentally retarded but rather an alcoholic who is always drunk. After that, he calls upon his demonic harpies, so we approach the stage where he hands us the brains, we grab them and run up and down the aisles throwing uninflated inflatable brains at people. Finally, he yells “Stop!” and tells everyone who got a brain to start inflating them. We blew our brains out. The first two people who blew up their brains won their choice of two books not by Chuck Palahniuk, but they are his favorites. I forget what they were called…I think The Chronicles of Water and one was about a journey through Hell. Basically, I had a blast, got to throw brains at people, learned what a “harpy” is, laughed a lot, and felt really special.
